Ghost of Remus' Past
by Alex Freakin' Way
Summary: Tonks gets a visit from a ghostly Sirius and a warning about her wolfy husband...


**Dedicated to Notsoinnocentfangirl! I am not JK Rowling. Haha... this is really random. Major OOCness. But still pretty funny. If you like Tonks, I wouldn't read this... Rated T for cuss words and mentions of a certain male body part...**

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Nymphadora Tonks was walking around the bedroom she shared with her husband, Remus Lupin. She had nothing to do today, because she was not supposed to go outside. Stupid Remus and his over-protectiveness. Okay, that wasn't true. She loved his over-protectiveness. She loved everything about him. He was just perfect for her. It was really fate that they were together. Just as she thought this, she noticed a shape materializing in front of her. Her mouth dropped open as she saw the shape turn into her cousin Sirius Black. Her cousin, Sirius Black, who had been dead for two years. Sirius Black, her husband's old best friend and... lover.

"What the hell is your problem?" the hallucination (because it had to be a hallucination) of her relative said in a snotty voice. She blinked several times, but it was still there.

"What... what do you mean?" she asked, rubbing her eyes with her hands, and then just standing there gaping at the man...ghost...thing.

"You're married to Moony. My Moony. Stay the fuck away from him. He doesn't love you. He's gay. For me. Or, I guess, more Sirius sexual."

"What? He obviously does love me, and is not gay, because we're married!"

"He felt sorry for you! You kept hanging all over him and you were all 'Remus I love you I will have brown hair if you don't love me too!' What was he supposed to do? He's a decent person!"

"You're... You're dead!"

"That doesn't change the fact that he's Sirius-sexual!"

"Can't he be Black sexual? That way I can be a part of it too! I'm a Black!"

"You are not, you are a **Tonks**."

"Oh, that doesn't matter! I'm still part Black!"

"You don't have a dick!"

"I can if I want one!"

"It wouldn't be the same! My Remmy knows a real one from a fake one!" Remus had heard his wife shouting in their bedroom. Did they have a visitor he didn't know about or something? He stopped outside the door and listened in. That voice sounded so... oddly... familiar.

"You're just jealous!"

"Why would I be jealous? I'm the one that had him since our fifth year of Hogwarts!"

"Because he's obviously in love with me!"

"He obviously feels pity towards you!" At this Tonks let out a long strain of curse words. Remus pushed open the door and saw a not completely filled out version of his ex-lover.

"Remmy!" the Sirius ghost said happily. He attacked the startled werewolf, pressing his lips to the man's quite eagerly. Remus responded quite eagerly. Tonks looked on in shock.

"REMUS! Your WIFE is in the room." she shouted. Remus ignored her.

"HELLO!" she yelled again. Sirius turned to glare at her, before returning to Moony.

"I'M PREGNANT!" she yelled. This did not stop the kissing.

"REMUS JOHN LUPIN, I, YOUR WIFE, AM PREGNANT WITH YOUR UNBORN CHILD AND YOU ARE SNOGGING MY DEAD COUSIN!" She shouted. "DO YOU NOT CARE?" This caused Remus to look up.

"Um.. should I?"

"YES!"

"Oh..." But before he could say anything else, Sirius was dragging him to his bed. Sirius turned to Tonks.

"My dear BABY cousin you may want to leave now. You're not quite old enough to see these things quite yet." He said, pouncing on her husband. Tonks looked like she was about to cry.

"I had to get pregnant somehow!" she defended. Remus just waved her away. Just as she was turning to leave, a loud beep rang throughout the cottage. Sirius looked up in annoyance.

"Ah, man I gotta go. Maybe I can come back and see you again next year Remmy. You know... same day... same time." That's when Remus realized it was the anniversary of Sirius' death. He pouted.

"I'll miss you love!" he shouted as Sirius started to fade.

"And I you, my sweet Moonpie." were the ghosts final words. Then all that was left were Remus and Tonks.

"Well... this is awkward." Remus said, scratching his neck.

"I told you I was pregnant, and you were going to shag my cousin who has been dead, for two years, on OUR bed. The bed we conceived our child in." was Tonks steely reply. Remus shrugged.

"Nothing much I can do about it. I mean, after all, I'm Sirius-sexual."

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A/N: My very first HP fanfic... and it's this xD Ah well. Feedback would be love xD even if it's just "... what is this?" haha thanks xD


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